Fictitious Movie Reviews - Random Titles

Today is "Medieval Lethal Stuff"

Starring some fat Chinese guy, Velvet Whyspers, Karl Urban, a Muse and Stan

Two weeks had already passed when a group of survivors realized they were stranded on an abandoned island filled with Redwood Palm Trees. Escort Johnny (Urban) helps the court jester put together a sturdy raft, but plans of their escape are to be short lived when a native tribe kidnap Gofer Bob (Stan) and brainwash him into believing he's a world-famous gypsy ballerina.

While the others try to find the secret camp of the Laughing Baboons, Mona (Whyspers) and Lt. Biteme (a Muse) are dragged into the native's village to be unwilling models for a very strange totem pole. After four hours of standing under a makeshift platform of midgets and large wooden masks, they finally walk away. When Lucky Arrowpoint (the fat Chinese guy) stumbles upon a hidden gold chamber filled with snakes and booby traps, the natives start to act all high and mighty, declaring that he is to be sacrificed to the river gods and a lesser god of a small pond. To save his own life, he claims to be the god of gold and they let him cart off all the gold and some snakes that he adopts as pets.

Lt. Biteme finally tells those natives to get off the island or they will be punished with hell, fire and brimstone. According to the history of the islands' scrolls, they could only come back with a shallow ark, unimpressive smoke signals and melted gooey tree sap. They show back up with supplies to build a moat, a large vessel of something vaporous and the tree sap. It passed inspection.

The survivors casually leave the island and their once sane friend, Gofer Bob, is left behind to entertain the midgets and pose for totem pole art sculptures. The plot takes place sometime right before the Black Plague.

This has been my Fiction Movie Review. Freedom is golden and gold's often lucky.


Today is "Scadians On The High Seas"

Starring Lucas Von Schwartzwald, Heino, Lindo Blares, Morgan Fairchild and Fred

After a fleet of ships set sail to haul a wealthy amount of gold and other crap across the dread seas of the Alaskian Kingston Crabbus, Firstmate Mucas (Fred) was immediately kidnapped and held for ransom. When noblemen Flussenfenster (Schwartzwald) and Ted (Heino) hear about this they set out on a quest to rescue the poor sod. However when Eithel de Cwen (Blares) hears of the fleet's bounty and reward that would be bestowed upon the two noblemen, they immediately begin any kind of military training and scuba diving lessons that the rescue mission may entail.

Meanwhile, Lady Maple du Syrup (Fairchild) sets sail in hopes of saving her royal crew from further harm that the evil Blahton D'Amuk promised to do if his demands aren't met. The noblemen fight off an angry ocean barnacle army, mutated jellyfish and seaweed, a castaway claiming to be the only survivor of a most unpleasant three-hour-tour and an island that seemed to follow them everywhere they went. The island had a haunting theme music that could be heard but never located as to who was playing it. They could see the island's trees sway with the music but could never see the source of the melody.

Lady Maple gets her royal crew back in one piece except for the firstmate who had, unfortunately died in an iceberg collision and was buried by an avalanche. Ted finally catches up to D'Amuk and sends him to port authorities where he escapes into a jungle only to be ravaged by spider monkeys, mauled by ant-eaters and finally drowning in a pool that killer flamingos frequent.

This has been my Fiction Movie Review. Here's looking at you and not even seeing you.


Today is "Interview With A Dandy Sire"

Starring Ray Stevens, Lucy Lulu, Colin O'Brian and Carrot Stock

As Buck Rigers (Stevens) and his servant Scary Wulf (Stock) hunt down the last of the Nomads from an alien colony outside of Short Beach, Georgia, they get caught up in a mortal fight with a band of vampires who have vowed to protect the Nomads and return them safely to the Nubian Desert. When Rigers learns of the plans to save the Nomads, he vows to hunt down the vampires but the vampires only want to speak with those hunting them since it makes no sense to them that they'd be so against the Nomads. Not knowing how badly the Nomads incurred the wrath of Rigers. The rift began over a doughnut and escalated from there.

Sir Vicious Avon Killemuck (O'Brian) then becomes so elusive that all of Rigers plans are thwarted. Wulf is then sent out by his master to find the head vampire (or the head of the vampire) whatever comes first. The reporter, Barbie Folgers (Lulu) is also hired by Rigers to seek out an audience with the entity known as the Immortal Bloodsucker. After many failed attempts, Rigers cannot capture the head vampire with any success, including stealing the capes from wanna-be vampires, and using the stylish threads worn by vampires to lure more victims.

Finally the Nomads make it to the Nubian Desert and Rigers has turned to advanced stages of a Gothic appearance and hanging out with Killemuck to satisfy his thirst for Bloody Marys, Root Juice and Carrot Mixes. Wulf changes his name. The reporter Folgers, who by this time tracked every creature from the alien colony and collected information on the vampires, turned all the documents of their existence over to FBI Agents, Moldy and Skull.

This has been my Fictitious Movie Review. Wine is for the birds.


Today is "Fold Hard"

Starring White Volg, Dodgy Harry, Bernadette Peters and Pamela Anderson

A large group of small gnomes have been running a successful Museum of Music for centuries, and their Music Boxes had sold over millions of lullabies and tunes. Tune-Masters Shaina Tween (Dodgy Harry) and Jena Jett (Pamela Anderson) are taken to an evil fortress by an evil rapper and forced to come up with nonsense rhymes.

While trying to figure out a way to escape, the Gnomes' Museum Manager; Brunhilda Nastek (Bernadette Peters) contacts the world's most renowned magician Carta di Boogaloo (White Volg) and hires him to slip into the evil fortress unnoticed. This, of course, is a problem as Boogaloo weighs almost as much as a shipment of music boxes.

The impish rap-music artist has already had the two hostages working real hard trying to rhyme words to 'semi-automatic', 'bullets' and 'homemade coconut stew' together with something about a purple horse. The magician scales the walls of the massive fortress, stepping on a lot of broken glass and, sometimes hurting himself by running into walls, caving them in and falling on top of him.

He quickly uses origami and folds a paper Muzzle di Carta and a pair of Cuffs di Carta. Eventually the two ladies are freed to safety because they found the key left in the door by mistake. The magician had to wait a week later to escape. He used his craft and folded a replica of the same door and placed it in front of the real one and simply wadded it up when the coast was clear. The thankful gnomes gave lyric sheets to the magician containing their favorite lullabies which Carta made into an armored four-wheel drive.

This has been my Fictitious Movie Review. Purple horse is a filly, of course.


Today is "The Three Winnobagos"

Starring Harrison Ford, Steven Seagal and the Frugal Gourmet

Breakfast started off with French toast but getting food to the hungry masses was the game. When John Holmes (Seagal) signed on with Willy Mackrel (Ford) he was determined to prove he was the top dog. One by one, he collected every fast food joint in town. After a failed mission to obtain a local mission, Holmes got creative when he discovered the many uses of clawed forks, slices of watermelon lemons, peanut butter and vanilla stalks.

However Mackrel wasn't deterred by this and kept on going for his goal. Surrounded by friends, family and pirates, he sailed on to meet up with the Caribbean Princess. He would soon prepare the island with fruit salads and whipped curled rolls. The competition was hating it, making napalm and knocking over restaurants, including the Frugal Gourmet, who was promptly grilled. Literally. But as fate would have it, they all join forces to find the elusive Volcanic Chef. When they sat down for a nice snack of sushi, the World Organization of Kale grabbed them and threw them in a lobster tank just to keep them guessing. The Caribbean Princess discovered Mackrel's horrid past as the Scourge of the Spanish In-quotation-marks and held him under house arrest in her mansion. In the end it was the Frugal Gourmet who seized the skillet trophy.

This has been my Fictitious Movie Review. Soup's on and you'll sail through it.


Today is "Let's Kill Somebody To Death"

Starring Asshole, Shithead, Dumb Ass and some other dude

When war strikes out because of a spokesperson's misstep, a Soap Opera company offers to 'ax' the speaker. The main characters of the Soap Opera cast go after the family and friends of said spokesperson. Then when a small, unassuming comedian steps up to soothe things over and gets threatened by not only the company, but a laughing stock of unflattering lumberjacks, a pack of vultures in wolves' costumes and a ninny of a baboon, the comedian hides in the safety of a crowded supermarket. Then an irate and non-tolerant group supporting the daytime dramas (only inviting viewers so they can repeatedly torment them) grab the comedian and ties the poor guy onto some railroad tracks. When they discover the tracks have been deserted and no trains ran those routes anymore, they subject the poor dude to the entire cast of Jerry Springer!

While of course, the guy with the monkey and the guy who lived in a giant birdcage who had signed too many contracts, resulting in their arrest, never thought to blame their agent. The charges alleged they were trying to steal Showbiz Inc. But in the end, the dramatic cast and the intolerant group finally got theirs when a giant tank was emptied onto their set, with almost two tons of decaying carnival scraps, still-dormant wasp nests and sticky nasty jelly packets that had sat in the 450 gallon tank for two weeks. In the sun.

This has been my Fictitious Movie Review. With no plan B, you wait for the train.


Today is "The Usual Shitheads"

Starring Tim Furry, Frederick Hollywood, Dixie Dewitt and Christina Applesauce

After scoping out the layout of a rather unseemly desert floor and rapidly decaying tumbleweed growth, the Nergen-Fluzell-Whatziz of the corner regions couldn't grasp any meanings of metaphor and when the tourist season opened, where people as different as apples and oranges came to play sports and games, they went ballistic.

After Waldoo (Furry) tried to cover as much ground as he could, he gave up when his GPS tracking device broke and fell into numerous pieces due to the dust factors of the atmosphere. When rescuer Herr Schoneberg (Hollywood) and tracking expert Dr. Annalisalenahanna (Dewitt) came to save Waldoo, she naturally asked him where he was.

Meanwhile in another part of the desert, Amarmie (Applesauce) held her ground against a truly immobile herd of Nincompoops that wore ridiculous amounts of plumage, feather boas and small containers of Tupperware. Due to this, Amarmie was barely able to blast them away with 40-50 rounds with a sub-machine gun because of laughing so hard. In the end, the laughing stopped and the Nergens and Nincompoops were done away with.

This has been my Fictitious Movie Review. One of the few is a proud soldier.

(Note: These reviews of made-up movies that don't exist (currently) were written after most of the bulk of the reviews of the real movies were published, so around 2003 and 2004)

Movie Reviews - Legend & Helen of Troy

These were the only serious reviews I have in the collection. All my movie reviews were mainly published between the years 2001 and 2006.

Legend (Director's Cut): The Review

The movie "Legend" could very easily have been a Grimm's Fairy Tale but Ridley Scott made it something very special. He used only raw elements of fantasy and went from there. The making of Legend used a massive studio that was literally turned into a forest with animals and soft sunlight. A Medieval indoor zoo. The original story was longer and at the last minute was edited down due to the production company's demands to make it more marketable with a shorter theatrical version. Scott also had to scrap Jerry Goldsmith's soundtrack behind it and in a bind, got Tangerine Dream to put the music in. While Tangerine Dream's soundtrack was very enjoyable and not bad at all, still the Jerry Goldsmith production was sorely missing from the element that made the Director's Cut of Legend a masterpiece.

After viewing both the Director's Cut and the Theatrical Version, I must say that it's hard to really say which one is my favorite since both are very good. The longer version; the Director's Cut is in many ways better. Anything where the actors are singing in the movie is always a major plus. This film seemed more natural with the songs in telling of this type of fantasy. Characters singing to each other like that, and why Eowyn singing in The Two Towers, the hobbits singing in Fellowship of the Ring and Aragorn and Pippin singing in The Return of the King is an element here bringing new depths to the story, and one of the most enchanting. Ask any Xena fan what episodes are their favorites and The Bitter Suite will definitely be in the top five. The songs flow inside the very story. And Legend is no exception.

In Legend the beauty of Lily's songs is hard to be described as she sings to the unicorns. Whereas in the Theatrical Version, she merely goes up to meet them and there's nothing more than her quiet expressions. The scene builds the rest of the story and it flows in every way. The direction is flawless and the story actually seems more detailed because of this one scene when she sings. It entails the core of the myth and it carries it on.

"As far as I'm concerned, we had an amazing piece of work, and then we were told to make LEGEND much shorter. It lost something and the audience will never know what that was." -Terry Rawlings

"I think the real victim is the picture. The entire concept of the film has been totally changed." -Jerry Goldsmith

"It's not what was intended, but the final release seemed to take too much away from the original storyline." -William Hjortsberg

But the audience did know something was missing, now we know what it was.

The Two-Disc DVD of Legend is a Must Have for any fan of this movie or any fan of fantasy. I thoroughly recommend it.

For more info, check out this Link.


The Cast

Jack. . . . . . . .TOM CRUISE
Lily . . . . . . . MIA SARA
Darkness . . . . . TIM CURRY
Gump. . . . . . . .DAVID BENNENT
Blix. . . . . . . .ALICE PLAYTEN
Screwball . . .  . BILLY BARTY
Brown Tom. . . . . CORK HUBBERT
Pox. . . . . . . . PETER O'FARRELL
Blunder. . . . . . KIRAN SHAH
Oona. . . . . . . .ANNABELLE LANYON
Meg Mucklebones. . ROBERT PICARDO
Nell . . . . . . . TINA MARTIN
Demon Cooks . . . .IAN LONGMUIR & MIKE CUNE


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Helen of Troy: The Review

I recommend this as a very good production and it did possess a very fine soundtrack that deepened the tone of the Greek tragedy and brought it so much mystic and feeling.

Although it never explains why Theseus kidnapped Helen, who was the King of Athens, some time before Paris kidnapped her, it stays on par with the legend of Helen.

It also doesn't mention that Helen was actually the Queen of Sparta. It just tells of a young girl unhappy with her situation. The script tries to explain the "vow" that all these kings and warriors took to avenge Helen (as her would-be suitors) and that was something that mystified me about this film because it doesn't explain why they made the vow other than a hell of a reason to go to war if Helen's chosen suitor was wronged, as goes the whole odyssey. Instead the telling here seems to suggest more of a marriage of convenience rather than the oppression that Homer alluded to.

But I found other parts of it very rushed, too. For example, in the last part when Clytemnestra kills her husband Agamemnon, he is still in Troy enjoying the spoils of war. Homer's tale of the account however, Clytemnestra kills Agamemnon when he returns to Greece with a kidnapped Cassandra and she kills them both. Cassandra's lot in this story never reveals of the connection with Apollo and the gods seem to be strangely absent which lessens the telling from the entire story. The only time the gods or goddesses appear is when Athena, Aphrodite and Hera appear to Paris with a request for him to choose who is fairest.

Cassandra's father is killed by Trojan soldiers but her sister Polyxena (Alexandra) is nowhere to be found, which was perplexing because there are accounts that had they come into the script, would have explained Cassandra's character and situation here better, but sadly that never materialized. Alas, it's the story of Helen and no doubt why all these other elements are gone missing. It was a well done production. The acting was good and directed and produced with loyalty to the Greek mythology.