MST3K Night Of The Blood Beast Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening music) (21:52)
(Continued opening music after pause) (22:33)
(gunshots)*
(something breaking)*
(fire extinguisher sounds)*

*Sound effects added in by the menu's creator.
This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #16 XVI

MST3K Santa Claus Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening Christmas music) (5:51)
(random notes on a keyboard)*
Ahh! (44:24)
(continuing opening Christmas music) (6:13)
(firework)*
(squishing and sizzling sound)*

*Sound effects added in by the menu's creators.
**From the 'Zombie Nightmare' episode linked in the timestamp.

From The Shout! Box Set #16 XVI

MST3K Warrior Of The Lost World Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening music) (0:44)*

*This is from the original film but this is another intro that's different to the one used in the MST3K episode. The MST3K episode of the same film features a scrolling narrative at the start of the movie whereas the music featured in the menu is from another version of the same movie sans the scrolling effect. So the film's intro theme that lends to the menu is what will be linked in the timestamp above.
This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #16 XVI

MST3K The Corpse Vanishes Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening music) (19:12)

From The Shout! Box Set #16 XVI

MST3K Racket Girls Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode 

(crowd noise) (23:58 & 0:05)**
(punch)*
(scream) (1:13:05 & 51:31)**
(tin can sound)*
(crashing sound)*
(glass breaking)*
(punching sound)*
(tin can sound)*

*Sound effects possibly created by the menu's creator.
**From the original film which is linked in the second timestamp.
This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #15 XV

MST3K Zombie Nightmare Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(Synth music to slight rock) (1:20:47)*
(Suspenseful music) (1:19:06)*
(screaming) (44:24)
(screaming) (44:19)
(screaming) (44:22)
(cough) (44:40)

*The music segments are from the original film sans riffing which I linked to in the timestamps. But in the MST3K episode they occur at (1:25:46) and (1:24:07) respectively.
Also the screams here are used in one of the menus in Box Set #16, three of the menus in Box Set #17, and two of the menus in Box Set #18.

From The Shout! Box Set #15 XV

MST3K The Girl In Lovers Lane Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The opening credit music with train on tracks) (8:56)

This menu was created by Rob Guillory. 

From The Shout! Box Set #15 XV

MST3K The Robot Vs The Aztec Mummy Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening music) (27:35)

From The Shout! Box Set #15 XV

MST3K Final Justice Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's theme music) (28:17)*
(tires screetching) (17:53)*

*These are the closest sounds to what's in the menu, but they're not exact.
This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #14 XIV

MST3K Soultaker Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening theme music) (7:11)

This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #14 XIV

MST3K Manhunt In Space Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(music)*

*The music does not sound as if it comes from this movie/episode at all.
This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #14 XIV

MST3K The Mad Monster Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(music)*
(wolf howling) (31:58)**

*The music does not sound as if it comes from this movie/episode at all.
**The closest to the howl that I could hear. Not 100% sure.
This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #14 XIV

MST3K Future War Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening theme music) (9:51)
(dinosaur sounds repeated) (1:06:34)*

*Random and various, and sounds a bit different, but that's the closest in the episode it comes to and it does seem as if the sound effects are simply random stock recordings.
This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #13 XIII

MST3K Werewolf Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening theme music) (5:18)
(werewolf howling) (1:22:47)*

*The wolf-cry pitch sounds a bit different, but that's the closest in the episode it comes to. There is an upload of just the theme used for the original movie and the mst3k menu of {Werewolf} that also has similar wolf howls. And it's my speculation that it could be that the werewolf sounds are stock sound effects not at all in the episode or original movie.
This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #13 XIII

MST3K Laserblast Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening theme music) (6:13)
(laser sound effects)

This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #13 XIII

MST3K First Spaceship On Venus Menu Ensemble

The Menu
The Episode

(The film's opening theme music) (6:44)

This menu was created by Rob Guillory.

From The Shout! Box Set #13 XIII

Movie Clips

The Jerk: Nathan holds up two pieces of wood to make a cross.

Three Amigos: Excuse me, did you say kill me?

Three Amigos: So I just wait here then?

The 'Burbs: These people are Satanists. As I sit here they are Satanists.

Tremors: Oh sure Earl, everybody knows about 'em. We just didn't tell you.

Land of the Lost: Matt Lauer can suck it!

Cabin Boy: Yeah purple lightning. That's always a good sign.

Hot Shots! Part Deux: War! It's fantastic!

~~~

Multiple Movie Review - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Today is "The Fellowship of the Ring"

Starring Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, Ian Holm and Hugo Weaving

You just somehow know that when an explosive birthday party turns into a reluctant ring giving episode where a wizard towers over a hobbit in a dark moment of good vs. evil, that an adventure to Mordor or some dark land, is bound to be suggested.

Armed with a powerful ring that he can't use, a fellowship of crazy, mix-matched warriors and no decent pair of boots, Frodo (Wood) sets forth.

Frodo runs, walks, strolls and tip-toes while the elves spring up from all places located in the woods and the valleys of Rivendell. A hidden wooded realm. And by some stretch of fate, an elf is even located in Moria for a short time.

Thinking he'll be going home soon, Frodo sighs a sigh of relief until Elrond proves what a no-brainer that would be!

Onward the hobbits, men, elf and dwarf go onto great adventure and legend. The fate of Middle Earth hangs by a thread, stands on the point of a knife and even blazes through  a very irritated-looking giant eyeball. It's the first installment of J.R.R. Tolkien's great epic tale of the Lord of the Rings.

This has been my Movie Review. One Ring to wear or not to wear, that is the question.


Today is "The Two Towers"

Starring Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, Karl Urban and Miranda Otto

First, there was the parting of the fellowship that brought on orcs, tree herders, and a very tired dwarf who didn't want to run all over Isengard, Rohan and other vast stretches of wild lands.

Second, when Saruman sends a very sizable orc army to Helm's Deep to wipe out everyone, you know why Gandalf had to show up to prove that not all white wizards were evil and he happened to be a white wizard now due to the nasty spill with Moria's Balrog. Don't ask.

Meanwhile, Gandalf performs an exorcism, Eomer almost strangles Grima, Grima would like to get his hands on Eowyn's throat, hair, body, anything he can get away with. Gollum has an in-depth conversation with something that cannot be exorcised and Sam and Frodo seem to have a lot of run-ins with wraiths on wings for four-foot, near-to-the-ground hobbit beings.

Merry and Pippin help the trees and forests and although not necessarily tree-huggers, they do have to hold on pretty tight when the tree-herders begin their march toward a battle plain where elves and men, and the dwarf are tossed by orcs and by each other. Ents also toss around some orcs for good measure. And how!

Aragorn (Mortensen) survives a fall off a cliff, elves make good on their promise to head to the Havens, Elrond makes good on looking very serious and wargs make an interesting flavor for stew. It's the second installment of J.R.R. Tolkien's great epic tale of the  Lord of the Rings.

This has been my Movie Review. Alas, poor Smeagol, for the precious knew him well.


Today is "The Return of the King"

Starring Viggo Mortensen, Liv Tyler, Elijah Wood, Orlando Bloom, Dominic Monaghan and Ian McKellen

After getting stuck in various situations in Mordor, Gollum isn't being of any help when he leads Frodo into a spider's abode where he is doomed to become its dinner. Sam, of course, comes to battle it but should have re-thought that whole climbing down the long and tall stairs only to discover he'd have to re-climb them. It's just plain dumbassery, and this actually never happens in the book.

Aragorn has, by now, overcome his fear of dark mountains and caves as has Legolas, but after Balrog breathed especially hot fire through Moria's Halls, Gimli wasn't so fond of another venture into a dark mountain realm. Let alone one that had the dubious title of The Paths of the Dead attached to it. But ahead the three warriors went. Man, Elf and Dwarf. The horses, being somewhat more intelligent, ran off before they could catch them.

Merry dons armor and rides with Eowyn into glorious battle. Pippin dons majestic garb and bears servitude to the Stewart of Gondor. He also bears the tedious and eternal drone of the insane Denethor going on about his son, his city, his halls, his aches, his pains, his dinner, his problems and the stupid hissy fit that Rohan allegedly started with Mordor. Also bitching about King Theoden's inability to help Gondor out. Pippin could not rightly explain that Theoden was temporarily possessed by Saruman, because it seemed like a dead issue anyway. Pippin, did however, set a beacon on fire to signal the lands to war. Denethor wanted help without the fires, but then, he was insane whereas Theoden had an excuse of being temporarily possessed by Saruman. Denethor has no excuse and just needs to shut up.

The Elves go, some stay, Arwen stays, Elrond lightens up a little. Frodo and Sam get even messier dealing with Gollum, orcs, spiders and  volcanic ash. Legolas and Gimli rack up the body count until the dead oathbreakers come and wipe out the remainder of the orc army and lots of strange battlements. A burning fall to the death, executed by Denethor would have been spectacular had the city not been preoccupied with being bombarded with orcs, witch-kings, wraiths on wings, monsters, mammoth-sized creatures and scary-looking battering rams. It's the final installment of J.R.R. Tolkien's great epic tale of  the Lord of the Rings.

This has been my Movie Review. Eye of a newt, and toe of something really big still only counts as one!

(Note: Originally posted as three separate reviews but now all combined, making this a Multiple Movie Review)

Multiple Movie Review - Conan

Today is "Conan the Barbarian" "Conan the Destroyer" & "Red Sonja"

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Sandahl Bergman, Max von Sydow, Gerry Lopez and Mako

When your village is attacked and you're dragged off to some large wheel to turn repeatedly for no reason and given no explanation for your crappy life as a slave against your will - naturally you're gonna be a big, body-building warrior who enjoys lopping off a head or two. Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) was sent to his fate after his family was slain by a warlord who would later become a snake god known as Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). King Osric (Max von Sydow) enlists the help of thieves, of which Conan has now become due to being set free from a life of lopping off heads and being chased by mad dogs. Realizing that stealing glittery gold is a good replacement since warrior skills are still in demand in any country and he rids it from a lot of pouches and pockets and snags jewels from scary high towers and dark snake pits. Battling ever on, this King Osric has but one wish and that is to save his daughter from Thulsa Doom.

Conan, being gifted with muscle, determination, wits, some common sense and a magnet for demon spirits, lusty witches and a few strays, manages to stay focused as he sets out on his quest. Aided by Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) and Subotai (Gerry Lopez), he finds the wizard in the desert (Mako) and even checked off a brief unpleasant experience with a few hungry vultures. Conan finds the cultist gathering masses and fortress of Thulsa Doom. It's a bad situation where you, the follower, could be fed to the pet snakes of the priests and never even get the chance for an Alice Cooper autograph. And just to add insult to injury, they dress their followers up all funky before killing them. The hoods were a bit too dressy and formal in contrast to the huge caldron of body parts and private orgies but it seemed to go with the lair's theme. However Conan saves the day and still does that whole lopping off of heads, being the best out of everyone else including Thorgrim, played by the hunky Swedish dreamboat Sven Ole Thorsen. If you wouldn't be caught dead in the cultist outfit they give you, just wait until Conan clonks you on the head and steals your clothes in order to sneak around unnoticed.

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Wilt Chamberlain, Olivia D'Abo, Sarah Douglas, Grace Jones and Mako

Conan had become a legend by now, a hero, a king and a well-to-do in the barbaric world of Ancient Times and was doing rather nicely. Seeming to not mind at all hanging out with a rather odd thief who bolts at the first sign of danger. This part of Conan's saga involves a queen who wishes to wake a sleeping god, a princess who gets more sleep than anyone else in this movie and a wizard who employs an ice tower, filled with mirrors, to become a flying dragon cloud, a really ugly monster and an old guy who looks in sore need of a spa treatment. Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) asks Conan to help her and in return will grant Conan what he desires. Conan must take Princess Jehnna (Olivia D'Abo) to fetch a key, that will unlock a large maw in some dark, dank castle that will in turn render a horn. This horn will wake the sleeping god. The horn is guarded by a curse and only a virgin-child may touch it. If not, the flames that ensue from the floor and other booby traps are sure to protect it one way or the other. So off Conan goes on his quest, with his trusty wizard Akiro (Mako) at his side, and Zula (Grace Jones) whom he picks up later, Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) and his sidekick, what's his name.

Zula offers the best skills as a warrior and saves their hides more than once. Bombaata just stands there and scares would-be attackers and Princess Jehnna manages to stay a virgin-child while considering the sound advice of Zula about just grabbing Conan, and taking him. The small gang of mismatched warriors, rogues and royalty have many adventures before returning with the prize. The sleeping god becomes a large walrus-type monster when the horn is inserted into its head and Queen Taramis is sacrificed to it instead of our fair princess who braved the harsh world outside in order to grab a key, a horn and at one moment, a drunken Conan. Sven-Ole Thorsen is also in this film as Togra. He never seems to have very many lines, though. Nor plays the same character twice.

Red Sonja (1985)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen, Sandahl Bergman and Ernie Reyes Jr.

Although not a Conan feature, this saga is included for the sheer connection to the Conan empire. Or franchise as it were. It is also very similar to the Conan genre in the timeframes, the storytelling and mainly because a few actors from the Conan sagas are in this film. Red Sonja (Nielsen) had her village attacked and soldiers took everything away from her. She left a mark on Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman) who had led her soldiers to burn the village and have their way with Red Sonja. Weak and almost dead, she gains a power from her angel/fairy-godmother/spirit/manifestation to be the strongest and most skilled sword wielder there ever was. An odd greenish, glowing rock known as the talisman gives great power to any who possess it. As you by now guessed, Queen Gedren steals this talisman and proceeds to play around with earth's elements. Kalidor (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the talisman's master and must follow Red Sonja to protect her as she sets off to retrieve it from the evil queen Gedren. Sonja who had just finished training by her master who wore extremely silly accessories like long poles for shoulder-pads, was ready for adventure. Sonja travels with an unlikely pair consisting of a child prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes Jr.) and his servant. Kalidor stays far enough behind until the plot starts to take dangerous turns with a well-dressed mob, an unexpected twist with a metallic dragon and all round lack of some stimulating conversation as Prince Tarn was obviously not too good on social graces and his servant was no Einstein.

Sonja, ever bent on exacting revenge for her sister's death and everyone else's, wastes no time in getting to where she needs to go. Battling a slobbish warlord, and a variety of other troublesome foes, she gets to the fortess of Queen Gedren. Sonja isn't too happy about the set up and finally lops off someone's head. Destroying the talisman and fleeing the scene, Sonja wins the day and grabs and takes you know who.

This has been my Multiple Movie Review. What's in your horned snake talisman wallet?

Multiple Movie Review - Alien

Today is "Alien" "Aliens" "Alien 3" & "Alien: Resurrection"

Alien (1979)

Starring Sigourney Weaver, John Hurt, Ian Holm and Tom Skerritt

A crew of seven, a cargo of refinery processing 20,000,000 tons of mineral ore and a course that was suppose to take them back to Earth ended up being a smaller crew, no cargo and a random course through space going nowhere. The curious signal they picked up, and investigated while knowing they were going off-course, came to be their undoing. First the egg hatches and the contents attaches itself to Kane's (John Hurt) face, although he was still alive, he didn't manage to stay that way after the parasite was removed from his noggin. Then the android Ash (Ian Holm) believes that keeping the beastly monster aboard the ship will help science. This angle is crazier than a shithouse rat! Ash then has trouble with his noggin when a crew member knocks it clean off. So when Dallas (Tom Skerritt) gets trapped in a remote part of the ship, he sits and thinks for a moment about the bridge, which could be miles from where he's at, at this point. He soon becomes a part of the main course for the hungry Alien. As always Lt. Ripley (Signourney Weaver) is the sole survivor because she was the only one who actually used her noggin.

Aliens (1986)

Starring Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Paul Reiser and Carrie Henn

The sole survivor with only her cat from the doomed Nostromo, Ripley is discovered by a salvage ship. Next she's back on Earth in no time, well, except for the fact it is 57 years later. The same planet that harbored the original Alien life-forms has been colonized by humans. So much for the final frontier. So we learn that it's the transmissions that have failed to keep the Company back on Earth informed of their settling in and making outer space life on an alien planet reportable. Ripley is sent with a team of Marines to wipe out any of the alien creatures and rescue any survivors. There is one survivor they help Rebecca 'Newt' Jordan (Carrie Henn) escape the deadly creatures. They really couldn't help anyone else as they were already sort of not going to be well. The only one (Reiser) who wanted to keep the alien for study and to help science was another crazier than a shithouse rat, rat. By the end Ripley and the little girl barely escape with their lives. Well, there is another survivor, but he's an android who only HALF survives as he was torn in half. He was standing next to the hidden alien where the hydraulic supports were located. The alien was extremely not in a good mood.

Alien 3 (1992)

Starring Sigourney Weaver, Charles Dutton, Charles Dance and Paul McGann

Hyper-sleep should have some kind of "guard on watch" feature because this was the one time Ripley wasn't so lucky. The alien did leave a care-package and proceeded to do away with her tiny crew. The crash landing the alien triggers on board, brings the ship down to Fiorina 161. A planet that hosts a mining colony and a prison facility. Not a good place. The prisoners are a religious cult and are allowed no weapons. This can't be good because, like wow, there's an alien running around loose and he's a real mean one. After a smorgasbord of tasty prisoner born-agains, the alien chows down on a tank full of hot lead. Ripley finally throws herself into a vat and destroys the alien that had laid dormant within her since the crash-landing. The alien entity was, as always, pissed off.

Alien: Resurrection (1997)

Starring Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Dominique Pinon and Ron Perlman

Okay, so when one is cloned as a powerful human/alien hybrid 200 years after one's death, you could say that, at this point, it might have been in the best interests of everyone to just blow up a planet or two. This would have been a lot faster in this scientific study crap since that would have been the end result no matter how it was sliced by scientists in the lab or, scientists in general. Blowing up entire starships that seem to take up the size of a small town was no problem, so why should an alien planet be any different? But somehow it is different, because now the stupid army and the stupid company have decided to fill up the universe with the deadly alien creatures. Not to mention their own starships. Good thinking! Yeah. So then Ripley helps whoever she can to survive this go-round and Annalee Call (Ryder), who is also an android connects into the ship's main communication onboard transmissions and computer overrides it and tells the aliens to report to the deck that Mr. Hot Shot (I wanna clone some aliens) is running through at that present time. By this point, it's not even worth it, you're routing for the aliens. And of course Ripley, who still uses her noggin when it comes to knowing what to do next.

This has been my Multiple Movie Review. In theaters everyone can hear you scream.

(Note: they used the same tagline 'In Space No One Can Hear You Scream' for "Saturn 3" as well)