Multiple Movie Review - Conan

Today is "Conan the Barbarian" "Conan the Destroyer" & "Red Sonja"

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Sandahl Bergman, Max von Sydow, Gerry Lopez and Mako

When your village is attacked and you're dragged off to some large wheel to turn repeatedly for no reason and given no explanation for your crappy life as a slave against your will - naturally you're gonna be a big, body-building warrior who enjoys lopping off a head or two. Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) was sent to his fate after his family was slain by a warlord who would later become a snake god known as Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). King Osric (Max von Sydow) enlists the help of thieves, of which Conan has now become due to being set free from a life of lopping off heads and being chased by mad dogs. Realizing that stealing glittery gold is a good replacement since warrior skills are still in demand in any country and he rids it from a lot of pouches and pockets and snags jewels from scary high towers and dark snake pits. Battling ever on, this King Osric has but one wish and that is to save his daughter from Thulsa Doom.

Conan, being gifted with muscle, determination, wits, some common sense and a magnet for demon spirits, lusty witches and a few strays, manages to stay focused as he sets out on his quest. Aided by Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) and Subotai (Gerry Lopez), he finds the wizard in the desert (Mako) and even checked off a brief unpleasant experience with a few hungry vultures. Conan finds the cultist gathering masses and fortress of Thulsa Doom. It's a bad situation where you, the follower, could be fed to the pet snakes of the priests and never even get the chance for an Alice Cooper autograph. And just to add insult to injury, they dress their followers up all funky before killing them. The hoods were a bit too dressy and formal in contrast to the huge caldron of body parts and private orgies but it seemed to go with the lair's theme. However Conan saves the day and still does that whole lopping off of heads, being the best out of everyone else including Thorgrim, played by the hunky Swedish dreamboat Sven Ole Thorsen. If you wouldn't be caught dead in the cultist outfit they give you, just wait until Conan clonks you on the head and steals your clothes in order to sneak around unnoticed.

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Wilt Chamberlain, Olivia D'Abo, Sarah Douglas, Grace Jones and Mako

Conan had become a legend by now, a hero, a king and a well-to-do in the barbaric world of Ancient Times and was doing rather nicely. Seeming to not mind at all hanging out with a rather odd thief who bolts at the first sign of danger. This part of Conan's saga involves a queen who wishes to wake a sleeping god, a princess who gets more sleep than anyone else in this movie and a wizard who employs an ice tower, filled with mirrors, to become a flying dragon cloud, a really ugly monster and an old guy who looks in sore need of a spa treatment. Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) asks Conan to help her and in return will grant Conan what he desires. Conan must take Princess Jehnna (Olivia D'Abo) to fetch a key, that will unlock a large maw in some dark, dank castle that will in turn render a horn. This horn will wake the sleeping god. The horn is guarded by a curse and only a virgin-child may touch it. If not, the flames that ensue from the floor and other booby traps are sure to protect it one way or the other. So off Conan goes on his quest, with his trusty wizard Akiro (Mako) at his side, and Zula (Grace Jones) whom he picks up later, Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) and his sidekick, what's his name.

Zula offers the best skills as a warrior and saves their hides more than once. Bombaata just stands there and scares would-be attackers and Princess Jehnna manages to stay a virgin-child while considering the sound advice of Zula about just grabbing Conan, and taking him. The small gang of mismatched warriors, rogues and royalty have many adventures before returning with the prize. The sleeping god becomes a large walrus-type monster when the horn is inserted into its head and Queen Taramis is sacrificed to it instead of our fair princess who braved the harsh world outside in order to grab a key, a horn and at one moment, a drunken Conan. Sven-Ole Thorsen is also in this film as Togra. He never seems to have very many lines, though. Nor plays the same character twice.

Red Sonja (1985)

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen, Sandahl Bergman and Ernie Reyes Jr.

Although not a Conan feature, this saga is included for the sheer connection to the Conan empire. Or franchise as it were. It is also very similar to the Conan genre in the timeframes, the storytelling and mainly because a few actors from the Conan sagas are in this film. Red Sonja (Nielsen) had her village attacked and soldiers took everything away from her. She left a mark on Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman) who had led her soldiers to burn the village and have their way with Red Sonja. Weak and almost dead, she gains a power from her angel/fairy-godmother/spirit/manifestation to be the strongest and most skilled sword wielder there ever was. An odd greenish, glowing rock known as the talisman gives great power to any who possess it. As you by now guessed, Queen Gedren steals this talisman and proceeds to play around with earth's elements. Kalidor (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the talisman's master and must follow Red Sonja to protect her as she sets off to retrieve it from the evil queen Gedren. Sonja who had just finished training by her master who wore extremely silly accessories like long poles for shoulder-pads, was ready for adventure. Sonja travels with an unlikely pair consisting of a child prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes Jr.) and his servant. Kalidor stays far enough behind until the plot starts to take dangerous turns with a well-dressed mob, an unexpected twist with a metallic dragon and all round lack of some stimulating conversation as Prince Tarn was obviously not too good on social graces and his servant was no Einstein.

Sonja, ever bent on exacting revenge for her sister's death and everyone else's, wastes no time in getting to where she needs to go. Battling a slobbish warlord, and a variety of other troublesome foes, she gets to the fortess of Queen Gedren. Sonja isn't too happy about the set up and finally lops off someone's head. Destroying the talisman and fleeing the scene, Sonja wins the day and grabs and takes you know who.

This has been my Multiple Movie Review. What's in your horned snake talisman wallet?