Today is "The Fellowship of the Ring"
Starring Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, Ian Holm and Hugo Weaving
You just somehow know that when an explosive birthday party turns into a reluctant ring giving episode where a wizard towers over a hobbit in a dark moment of good vs. evil, that an adventure to Mordor or some dark land, is bound to be suggested.
Armed with a powerful ring that he can't use, a fellowship of crazy, mix-matched warriors and no decent pair of boots, Frodo (Wood) sets forth.
Frodo runs, walks, strolls and tip-toes while the elves spring up from all places located in the woods and the valleys of Rivendell. A hidden wooded realm. And by some stretch of fate, an elf is even located in Moria for a short time.
Thinking he'll be going home soon, Frodo sighs a sigh of relief until Elrond proves what a no-brainer that would be!
Onward the hobbits, men, elf and dwarf go onto great adventure and legend. The fate of Middle Earth hangs by a thread, stands on the point of a knife and even blazes through a very irritated-looking giant eyeball. It's the first installment of J.R.R. Tolkien's great epic tale of the Lord of the Rings.
This has been my Movie Review. One Ring to wear or not to wear, that is the question.
Today is "The Two Towers"
Starring Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, Karl Urban and Miranda Otto
First, there was the parting of the fellowship that brought on orcs, tree herders, and a very tired dwarf who didn't want to run all over Isengard, Rohan and other vast stretches of wild lands.
Second, when Saruman sends a very sizable orc army to Helm's Deep to wipe out everyone, you know why Gandalf had to show up to prove that not all white wizards were evil and he happened to be a white wizard now due to the nasty spill with Moria's Balrog. Don't ask.
Meanwhile, Gandalf performs an exorcism, Eomer almost strangles Grima, Grima would like to get his hands on Eowyn's throat, hair, body, anything he can get away with. Gollum has an in-depth conversation with something that cannot be exorcised and Sam and Frodo seem to have a lot of run-ins with wraiths on wings for four-foot, near-to-the-ground hobbit beings.
Merry and Pippin help the trees and forests and although not necessarily tree-huggers, they do have to hold on pretty tight when the tree-herders begin their march toward a battle plain where elves and men, and the dwarf are tossed by orcs and by each other. Ents also toss around some orcs for good measure. And how!
Aragorn (Mortensen) survives a fall off a cliff, elves make good on their promise to head to the Havens, Elrond makes good on looking very serious and wargs make an interesting flavor for stew. It's the second installment of J.R.R. Tolkien's great epic tale of the Lord of the Rings.
This has been my Movie Review. Alas, poor Smeagol, for the precious knew him well.
Today is "The Return of the King"
Starring Viggo Mortensen, Liv Tyler, Elijah Wood, Orlando Bloom, Dominic Monaghan and Ian McKellen
After getting stuck in various situations in Mordor, Gollum isn't being of any help when he leads Frodo into a spider's abode where he is doomed to become its dinner. Sam, of course, comes to battle it but should have re-thought that whole climbing down the long and tall stairs only to discover he'd have to re-climb them. It's just plain dumbassery, and this actually never happens in the book.
Aragorn has, by now, overcome his fear of dark mountains and caves as has Legolas, but after Balrog breathed especially hot fire through Moria's Halls, Gimli wasn't so fond of another venture into a dark mountain realm. Let alone one that had the dubious title of The Paths of the Dead attached to it. But ahead the three warriors went. Man, Elf and Dwarf. The horses, being somewhat more intelligent, ran off before they could catch them.
Merry dons armor and rides with Eowyn into glorious battle. Pippin dons majestic garb and bears servitude to the Stewart of Gondor. He also bears the tedious and eternal drone of the insane Denethor going on about his son, his city, his halls, his aches, his pains, his dinner, his problems and the stupid hissy fit that Rohan allegedly started with Mordor. Also bitching about King Theoden's inability to help Gondor out. Pippin could not rightly explain that Theoden was temporarily possessed by Saruman, because it seemed like a dead issue anyway. Pippin, did however, set a beacon on fire to signal the lands to war. Denethor wanted help without the fires, but then, he was insane whereas Theoden had an excuse of being temporarily possessed by Saruman. Denethor has no excuse and just needs to shut up.
The Elves go, some stay, Arwen stays, Elrond lightens up a little. Frodo and Sam get even messier dealing with Gollum, orcs, spiders and volcanic ash. Legolas and Gimli rack up the body count until the dead oathbreakers come and wipe out the remainder of the orc army and lots of strange battlements. A burning fall to the death, executed by Denethor would have been spectacular had the city not been preoccupied with being bombarded with orcs, witch-kings, wraiths on wings, monsters, mammoth-sized creatures and scary-looking battering rams. It's the final installment of J.R.R. Tolkien's great epic tale of the Lord of the Rings.
This has been my Movie Review. Eye of a newt, and toe of something really big still only counts as one!
(Note: Originally posted as three separate reviews but now all combined, making this a Multiple Movie Review)
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Multiple Movie Review - Conan
Today is "Conan the Barbarian" "Conan the Destroyer" & "Red Sonja"
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Sandahl Bergman, Max von Sydow, Gerry Lopez and Mako
When your village is attacked and you're dragged off to some large wheel to turn repeatedly for no reason and given no explanation for your crappy life as a slave against your will - naturally you're gonna be a big, body-building warrior who enjoys lopping off a head or two. Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) was sent to his fate after his family was slain by a warlord who would later become a snake god known as Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). King Osric (Max von Sydow) enlists the help of thieves, of which Conan has now become due to being set free from a life of lopping off heads and being chased by mad dogs. Realizing that stealing glittery gold is a good replacement since warrior skills are still in demand in any country and he rids it from a lot of pouches and pockets and snags jewels from scary high towers and dark snake pits. Battling ever on, this King Osric has but one wish and that is to save his daughter from Thulsa Doom.
Conan, being gifted with muscle, determination, wits, some common sense and a magnet for demon spirits, lusty witches and a few strays, manages to stay focused as he sets out on his quest. Aided by Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) and Subotai (Gerry Lopez), he finds the wizard in the desert (Mako) and even checked off a brief unpleasant experience with a few hungry vultures. Conan finds the cultist gathering masses and fortress of Thulsa Doom. It's a bad situation where you, the follower, could be fed to the pet snakes of the priests and never even get the chance for an Alice Cooper autograph. And just to add insult to injury, they dress their followers up all funky before killing them. The hoods were a bit too dressy and formal in contrast to the huge caldron of body parts and private orgies but it seemed to go with the lair's theme. However Conan saves the day and still does that whole lopping off of heads, being the best out of everyone else including Thorgrim, played by the hunky Swedish dreamboat Sven Ole Thorsen. If you wouldn't be caught dead in the cultist outfit they give you, just wait until Conan clonks you on the head and steals your clothes in order to sneak around unnoticed.
Conan the Destroyer (1984)
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Wilt Chamberlain, Olivia D'Abo, Sarah Douglas, Grace Jones and Mako
Conan had become a legend by now, a hero, a king and a well-to-do in the barbaric world of Ancient Times and was doing rather nicely. Seeming to not mind at all hanging out with a rather odd thief who bolts at the first sign of danger. This part of Conan's saga involves a queen who wishes to wake a sleeping god, a princess who gets more sleep than anyone else in this movie and a wizard who employs an ice tower, filled with mirrors, to become a flying dragon cloud, a really ugly monster and an old guy who looks in sore need of a spa treatment. Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) asks Conan to help her and in return will grant Conan what he desires. Conan must take Princess Jehnna (Olivia D'Abo) to fetch a key, that will unlock a large maw in some dark, dank castle that will in turn render a horn. This horn will wake the sleeping god. The horn is guarded by a curse and only a virgin-child may touch it. If not, the flames that ensue from the floor and other booby traps are sure to protect it one way or the other. So off Conan goes on his quest, with his trusty wizard Akiro (Mako) at his side, and Zula (Grace Jones) whom he picks up later, Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) and his sidekick, what's his name.
Zula offers the best skills as a warrior and saves their hides more than once. Bombaata just stands there and scares would-be attackers and Princess Jehnna manages to stay a virgin-child while considering the sound advice of Zula about just grabbing Conan, and taking him. The small gang of mismatched warriors, rogues and royalty have many adventures before returning with the prize. The sleeping god becomes a large walrus-type monster when the horn is inserted into its head and Queen Taramis is sacrificed to it instead of our fair princess who braved the harsh world outside in order to grab a key, a horn and at one moment, a drunken Conan. Sven-Ole Thorsen is also in this film as Togra. He never seems to have very many lines, though. Nor plays the same character twice.
Red Sonja (1985)
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen, Sandahl Bergman and Ernie Reyes Jr.
Although not a Conan feature, this saga is included for the sheer connection to the Conan empire. Or franchise as it were. It is also very similar to the Conan genre in the timeframes, the storytelling and mainly because a few actors from the Conan sagas are in this film. Red Sonja (Nielsen) had her village attacked and soldiers took everything away from her. She left a mark on Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman) who had led her soldiers to burn the village and have their way with Red Sonja. Weak and almost dead, she gains a power from her angel/fairy-godmother/spirit/manifestation to be the strongest and most skilled sword wielder there ever was. An odd greenish, glowing rock known as the talisman gives great power to any who possess it. As you by now guessed, Queen Gedren steals this talisman and proceeds to play around with earth's elements. Kalidor (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the talisman's master and must follow Red Sonja to protect her as she sets off to retrieve it from the evil queen Gedren. Sonja who had just finished training by her master who wore extremely silly accessories like long poles for shoulder-pads, was ready for adventure. Sonja travels with an unlikely pair consisting of a child prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes Jr.) and his servant. Kalidor stays far enough behind until the plot starts to take dangerous turns with a well-dressed mob, an unexpected twist with a metallic dragon and all round lack of some stimulating conversation as Prince Tarn was obviously not too good on social graces and his servant was no Einstein.
Sonja, ever bent on exacting revenge for her sister's death and everyone else's, wastes no time in getting to where she needs to go. Battling a slobbish warlord, and a variety of other troublesome foes, she gets to the fortess of Queen Gedren. Sonja isn't too happy about the set up and finally lops off someone's head. Destroying the talisman and fleeing the scene, Sonja wins the day and grabs and takes you know who.
This has been my Multiple Movie Review. What's in your horned snake talisman wallet?
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Sandahl Bergman, Max von Sydow, Gerry Lopez and Mako
When your village is attacked and you're dragged off to some large wheel to turn repeatedly for no reason and given no explanation for your crappy life as a slave against your will - naturally you're gonna be a big, body-building warrior who enjoys lopping off a head or two. Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) was sent to his fate after his family was slain by a warlord who would later become a snake god known as Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). King Osric (Max von Sydow) enlists the help of thieves, of which Conan has now become due to being set free from a life of lopping off heads and being chased by mad dogs. Realizing that stealing glittery gold is a good replacement since warrior skills are still in demand in any country and he rids it from a lot of pouches and pockets and snags jewels from scary high towers and dark snake pits. Battling ever on, this King Osric has but one wish and that is to save his daughter from Thulsa Doom.
Conan, being gifted with muscle, determination, wits, some common sense and a magnet for demon spirits, lusty witches and a few strays, manages to stay focused as he sets out on his quest. Aided by Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) and Subotai (Gerry Lopez), he finds the wizard in the desert (Mako) and even checked off a brief unpleasant experience with a few hungry vultures. Conan finds the cultist gathering masses and fortress of Thulsa Doom. It's a bad situation where you, the follower, could be fed to the pet snakes of the priests and never even get the chance for an Alice Cooper autograph. And just to add insult to injury, they dress their followers up all funky before killing them. The hoods were a bit too dressy and formal in contrast to the huge caldron of body parts and private orgies but it seemed to go with the lair's theme. However Conan saves the day and still does that whole lopping off of heads, being the best out of everyone else including Thorgrim, played by the hunky Swedish dreamboat Sven Ole Thorsen. If you wouldn't be caught dead in the cultist outfit they give you, just wait until Conan clonks you on the head and steals your clothes in order to sneak around unnoticed.
Conan the Destroyer (1984)
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Wilt Chamberlain, Olivia D'Abo, Sarah Douglas, Grace Jones and Mako
Conan had become a legend by now, a hero, a king and a well-to-do in the barbaric world of Ancient Times and was doing rather nicely. Seeming to not mind at all hanging out with a rather odd thief who bolts at the first sign of danger. This part of Conan's saga involves a queen who wishes to wake a sleeping god, a princess who gets more sleep than anyone else in this movie and a wizard who employs an ice tower, filled with mirrors, to become a flying dragon cloud, a really ugly monster and an old guy who looks in sore need of a spa treatment. Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) asks Conan to help her and in return will grant Conan what he desires. Conan must take Princess Jehnna (Olivia D'Abo) to fetch a key, that will unlock a large maw in some dark, dank castle that will in turn render a horn. This horn will wake the sleeping god. The horn is guarded by a curse and only a virgin-child may touch it. If not, the flames that ensue from the floor and other booby traps are sure to protect it one way or the other. So off Conan goes on his quest, with his trusty wizard Akiro (Mako) at his side, and Zula (Grace Jones) whom he picks up later, Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) and his sidekick, what's his name.
Zula offers the best skills as a warrior and saves their hides more than once. Bombaata just stands there and scares would-be attackers and Princess Jehnna manages to stay a virgin-child while considering the sound advice of Zula about just grabbing Conan, and taking him. The small gang of mismatched warriors, rogues and royalty have many adventures before returning with the prize. The sleeping god becomes a large walrus-type monster when the horn is inserted into its head and Queen Taramis is sacrificed to it instead of our fair princess who braved the harsh world outside in order to grab a key, a horn and at one moment, a drunken Conan. Sven-Ole Thorsen is also in this film as Togra. He never seems to have very many lines, though. Nor plays the same character twice.
Red Sonja (1985)
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen, Sandahl Bergman and Ernie Reyes Jr.
Although not a Conan feature, this saga is included for the sheer connection to the Conan empire. Or franchise as it were. It is also very similar to the Conan genre in the timeframes, the storytelling and mainly because a few actors from the Conan sagas are in this film. Red Sonja (Nielsen) had her village attacked and soldiers took everything away from her. She left a mark on Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman) who had led her soldiers to burn the village and have their way with Red Sonja. Weak and almost dead, she gains a power from her angel/fairy-godmother/spirit/manifestation to be the strongest and most skilled sword wielder there ever was. An odd greenish, glowing rock known as the talisman gives great power to any who possess it. As you by now guessed, Queen Gedren steals this talisman and proceeds to play around with earth's elements. Kalidor (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the talisman's master and must follow Red Sonja to protect her as she sets off to retrieve it from the evil queen Gedren. Sonja who had just finished training by her master who wore extremely silly accessories like long poles for shoulder-pads, was ready for adventure. Sonja travels with an unlikely pair consisting of a child prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes Jr.) and his servant. Kalidor stays far enough behind until the plot starts to take dangerous turns with a well-dressed mob, an unexpected twist with a metallic dragon and all round lack of some stimulating conversation as Prince Tarn was obviously not too good on social graces and his servant was no Einstein.
Sonja, ever bent on exacting revenge for her sister's death and everyone else's, wastes no time in getting to where she needs to go. Battling a slobbish warlord, and a variety of other troublesome foes, she gets to the fortess of Queen Gedren. Sonja isn't too happy about the set up and finally lops off someone's head. Destroying the talisman and fleeing the scene, Sonja wins the day and grabs and takes you know who.
This has been my Multiple Movie Review. What's in your horned snake talisman wallet?
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Multiple Movie Review - Alien
Today is "Alien" "Aliens" "Alien 3" & "Alien: Resurrection"
Alien (1979)
Starring Sigourney Weaver, John Hurt, Ian Holm and Tom Skerritt
A crew of seven, a cargo of refinery processing 20,000,000 tons of mineral ore and a course that was suppose to take them back to Earth ended up being a smaller crew, no cargo and a random course through space going nowhere. The curious signal they picked up, and investigated while knowing they were going off-course, came to be their undoing. First the egg hatches and the contents attaches itself to Kane's (John Hurt) face, although he was still alive, he didn't manage to stay that way after the parasite was removed from his noggin. Then the android Ash (Ian Holm) believes that keeping the beastly monster aboard the ship will help science. This angle is crazier than a shithouse rat! Ash then has trouble with his noggin when a crew member knocks it clean off. So when Dallas (Tom Skerritt) gets trapped in a remote part of the ship, he sits and thinks for a moment about the bridge, which could be miles from where he's at, at this point. He soon becomes a part of the main course for the hungry Alien. As always Lt. Ripley (Signourney Weaver) is the sole survivor because she was the only one who actually used her noggin.
Aliens (1986)
Starring Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Paul Reiser and Carrie Henn
The sole survivor with only her cat from the doomed Nostromo, Ripley is discovered by a salvage ship. Next she's back on Earth in no time, well, except for the fact it is 57 years later. The same planet that harbored the original Alien life-forms has been colonized by humans. So much for the final frontier. So we learn that it's the transmissions that have failed to keep the Company back on Earth informed of their settling in and making outer space life on an alien planet reportable. Ripley is sent with a team of Marines to wipe out any of the alien creatures and rescue any survivors. There is one survivor they help Rebecca 'Newt' Jordan (Carrie Henn) escape the deadly creatures. They really couldn't help anyone else as they were already sort of not going to be well. The only one (Reiser) who wanted to keep the alien for study and to help science was another crazier than a shithouse rat, rat. By the end Ripley and the little girl barely escape with their lives. Well, there is another survivor, but he's an android who only HALF survives as he was torn in half. He was standing next to the hidden alien where the hydraulic supports were located. The alien was extremely not in a good mood.
Alien 3 (1992)
Starring Sigourney Weaver, Charles Dutton, Charles Dance and Paul McGann
Hyper-sleep should have some kind of "guard on watch" feature because this was the one time Ripley wasn't so lucky. The alien did leave a care-package and proceeded to do away with her tiny crew. The crash landing the alien triggers on board, brings the ship down to Fiorina 161. A planet that hosts a mining colony and a prison facility. Not a good place. The prisoners are a religious cult and are allowed no weapons. This can't be good because, like wow, there's an alien running around loose and he's a real mean one. After a smorgasbord of tasty prisoner born-agains, the alien chows down on a tank full of hot lead. Ripley finally throws herself into a vat and destroys the alien that had laid dormant within her since the crash-landing. The alien entity was, as always, pissed off.
Alien: Resurrection (1997)
Starring Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Dominique Pinon and Ron Perlman
Okay, so when one is cloned as a powerful human/alien hybrid 200 years after one's death, you could say that, at this point, it might have been in the best interests of everyone to just blow up a planet or two. This would have been a lot faster in this scientific study crap since that would have been the end result no matter how it was sliced by scientists in the lab or, scientists in general. Blowing up entire starships that seem to take up the size of a small town was no problem, so why should an alien planet be any different? But somehow it is different, because now the stupid army and the stupid company have decided to fill up the universe with the deadly alien creatures. Not to mention their own starships. Good thinking! Yeah. So then Ripley helps whoever she can to survive this go-round and Annalee Call (Ryder), who is also an android connects into the ship's main communication onboard transmissions and computer overrides it and tells the aliens to report to the deck that Mr. Hot Shot (I wanna clone some aliens) is running through at that present time. By this point, it's not even worth it, you're routing for the aliens. And of course Ripley, who still uses her noggin when it comes to knowing what to do next.
This has been my Multiple Movie Review. In theaters everyone can hear you scream.
(Note: they used the same tagline 'In Space No One Can Hear You Scream' for "Saturn 3" as well)
Alien (1979)
Starring Sigourney Weaver, John Hurt, Ian Holm and Tom Skerritt
A crew of seven, a cargo of refinery processing 20,000,000 tons of mineral ore and a course that was suppose to take them back to Earth ended up being a smaller crew, no cargo and a random course through space going nowhere. The curious signal they picked up, and investigated while knowing they were going off-course, came to be their undoing. First the egg hatches and the contents attaches itself to Kane's (John Hurt) face, although he was still alive, he didn't manage to stay that way after the parasite was removed from his noggin. Then the android Ash (Ian Holm) believes that keeping the beastly monster aboard the ship will help science. This angle is crazier than a shithouse rat! Ash then has trouble with his noggin when a crew member knocks it clean off. So when Dallas (Tom Skerritt) gets trapped in a remote part of the ship, he sits and thinks for a moment about the bridge, which could be miles from where he's at, at this point. He soon becomes a part of the main course for the hungry Alien. As always Lt. Ripley (Signourney Weaver) is the sole survivor because she was the only one who actually used her noggin.
Aliens (1986)
Starring Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Paul Reiser and Carrie Henn
The sole survivor with only her cat from the doomed Nostromo, Ripley is discovered by a salvage ship. Next she's back on Earth in no time, well, except for the fact it is 57 years later. The same planet that harbored the original Alien life-forms has been colonized by humans. So much for the final frontier. So we learn that it's the transmissions that have failed to keep the Company back on Earth informed of their settling in and making outer space life on an alien planet reportable. Ripley is sent with a team of Marines to wipe out any of the alien creatures and rescue any survivors. There is one survivor they help Rebecca 'Newt' Jordan (Carrie Henn) escape the deadly creatures. They really couldn't help anyone else as they were already sort of not going to be well. The only one (Reiser) who wanted to keep the alien for study and to help science was another crazier than a shithouse rat, rat. By the end Ripley and the little girl barely escape with their lives. Well, there is another survivor, but he's an android who only HALF survives as he was torn in half. He was standing next to the hidden alien where the hydraulic supports were located. The alien was extremely not in a good mood.
Alien 3 (1992)
Starring Sigourney Weaver, Charles Dutton, Charles Dance and Paul McGann
Hyper-sleep should have some kind of "guard on watch" feature because this was the one time Ripley wasn't so lucky. The alien did leave a care-package and proceeded to do away with her tiny crew. The crash landing the alien triggers on board, brings the ship down to Fiorina 161. A planet that hosts a mining colony and a prison facility. Not a good place. The prisoners are a religious cult and are allowed no weapons. This can't be good because, like wow, there's an alien running around loose and he's a real mean one. After a smorgasbord of tasty prisoner born-agains, the alien chows down on a tank full of hot lead. Ripley finally throws herself into a vat and destroys the alien that had laid dormant within her since the crash-landing. The alien entity was, as always, pissed off.
Alien: Resurrection (1997)
Starring Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Dominique Pinon and Ron Perlman
Okay, so when one is cloned as a powerful human/alien hybrid 200 years after one's death, you could say that, at this point, it might have been in the best interests of everyone to just blow up a planet or two. This would have been a lot faster in this scientific study crap since that would have been the end result no matter how it was sliced by scientists in the lab or, scientists in general. Blowing up entire starships that seem to take up the size of a small town was no problem, so why should an alien planet be any different? But somehow it is different, because now the stupid army and the stupid company have decided to fill up the universe with the deadly alien creatures. Not to mention their own starships. Good thinking! Yeah. So then Ripley helps whoever she can to survive this go-round and Annalee Call (Ryder), who is also an android connects into the ship's main communication onboard transmissions and computer overrides it and tells the aliens to report to the deck that Mr. Hot Shot (I wanna clone some aliens) is running through at that present time. By this point, it's not even worth it, you're routing for the aliens. And of course Ripley, who still uses her noggin when it comes to knowing what to do next.
This has been my Multiple Movie Review. In theaters everyone can hear you scream.
(Note: they used the same tagline 'In Space No One Can Hear You Scream' for "Saturn 3" as well)
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Multiple Movie Review - 3 Musketeers
Today is "The Three Musketeers (1948)" "The Three Musketeers (1973)" "The Three Musketeers (1993)" and "The Musketeer (2001)"
(1948) Version
Starring Gene Kelly, Angela Lansbury, Lana Turner and Vincent Price
D'Artagnan (Kelly) starts out having a rather hectic adventure, finding action, love, hate, plotting and an indestructible friendship with Athos, Porthos and Aramis. Queen Anne (Lansbury) is looking regal, the Musketeers are looking swashbuckling and Richelieu (Price) is impressively chilling, utterly foreboding and totally not in a good mood. The fight scenes are impressively eye-catching, utterly breathtaking and totally had to be done by either stunt doubles or very gifted, waiver-signing actors.
(1973) Version
Starring Oliver Reed, Raquel Welch, Richard Chamberlain and Michael York
D'Artagnan (York) fights his way through minor disturbances, major upheavals and is still glad he went to Paris. Oh and how inspiring and awestruck the audience will be at the most incredible fight scenes in this film. So inspiring in fact, that one may get carried away and fling popcorn up into the air and catch each kernel on the end of a Twizler stick. The two baddies Richelieu (Charlton Heston) and Rochefort (Christopher Lee) are inspiring as well when they tend to get everyone into a fighting mood to begin with. Mistress DeWinter (Faye Dunaway) is smooth and smart and as always, deadly and beautiful, which helps when dealing with 17th century spies and scribes.
(1993) Version
Starring Charlie Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland, Oliver Platt, Chris O'Donnell and Tim Curry
The most moving performance in this film is that of Lady Sabine DeWinter (Rebecca De Mornay) and is the most memorable of all the franchise. Between the dark, unpleasant accounts of France's history and the lighthearted jokesters Aramis, Athos and Porthos, it was the one element in the film that went into more detail than any of the others in the pantheon of musketeer legend. They fight, they ride, they drink, they dance and wouldn't you know it, they save the king and queen of France. Hey that rhymes! Richelieu (Curry) is absurdly full of lust, desire for power and wears billowing red silk attire everyday - albeit he does have armor to put with it. Rochefort (Michael Wincott) is absurdly full of vengeance, wears a black ensemble that looks shabby yet chic and matches with his eye-patch. Somehow this is the pirate version of the three musketeers nut in a nutshell. D'Artagnan rides a horse in one scene and falls asleep atop his steed in another, then falls off the horse and appears to be beyond exhaustion. If only we knew where he was going exactly, since there were shorter routes in France even back then.
The Musketeer (2001)
Starring Catherine Deneuve, Justin Chambers, Mena Suvari and Stephen Rea
A young D'Artagnan has a rather traumatic experience as a child, grows up scarred from it and maintains a very impressive skill as a swordsman. Even without therapy. He fights upon barrel after barrel, amid and atop a collection of ladders and is lucky enough to not fall to his death thanks to a tower full of ropes. D'Artagnan rides a horse in one scene. Then in another and another and another. This time the horse drops in exhaustion.
As for director Peter Hyams, the lighting in this movie is a laugh riot. The mood of shadow and darkness may have worked for his thrillers Outland & 2010 but this was the wrong movie to have this moody effect. We're supposed to be able to see who D'Artagnan kills!
This has been my Multiple Movie Review. Have a super-sized popcorn combo, you're gonna need it.
(Note: The novel by Alexandre Dumas has been the inspiration for these films, for the most part)
(1948) Version
Starring Gene Kelly, Angela Lansbury, Lana Turner and Vincent Price
D'Artagnan (Kelly) starts out having a rather hectic adventure, finding action, love, hate, plotting and an indestructible friendship with Athos, Porthos and Aramis. Queen Anne (Lansbury) is looking regal, the Musketeers are looking swashbuckling and Richelieu (Price) is impressively chilling, utterly foreboding and totally not in a good mood. The fight scenes are impressively eye-catching, utterly breathtaking and totally had to be done by either stunt doubles or very gifted, waiver-signing actors.
(1973) Version
Starring Oliver Reed, Raquel Welch, Richard Chamberlain and Michael York
D'Artagnan (York) fights his way through minor disturbances, major upheavals and is still glad he went to Paris. Oh and how inspiring and awestruck the audience will be at the most incredible fight scenes in this film. So inspiring in fact, that one may get carried away and fling popcorn up into the air and catch each kernel on the end of a Twizler stick. The two baddies Richelieu (Charlton Heston) and Rochefort (Christopher Lee) are inspiring as well when they tend to get everyone into a fighting mood to begin with. Mistress DeWinter (Faye Dunaway) is smooth and smart and as always, deadly and beautiful, which helps when dealing with 17th century spies and scribes.
(1993) Version
Starring Charlie Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland, Oliver Platt, Chris O'Donnell and Tim Curry
The most moving performance in this film is that of Lady Sabine DeWinter (Rebecca De Mornay) and is the most memorable of all the franchise. Between the dark, unpleasant accounts of France's history and the lighthearted jokesters Aramis, Athos and Porthos, it was the one element in the film that went into more detail than any of the others in the pantheon of musketeer legend. They fight, they ride, they drink, they dance and wouldn't you know it, they save the king and queen of France. Hey that rhymes! Richelieu (Curry) is absurdly full of lust, desire for power and wears billowing red silk attire everyday - albeit he does have armor to put with it. Rochefort (Michael Wincott) is absurdly full of vengeance, wears a black ensemble that looks shabby yet chic and matches with his eye-patch. Somehow this is the pirate version of the three musketeers nut in a nutshell. D'Artagnan rides a horse in one scene and falls asleep atop his steed in another, then falls off the horse and appears to be beyond exhaustion. If only we knew where he was going exactly, since there were shorter routes in France even back then.
The Musketeer (2001)
Starring Catherine Deneuve, Justin Chambers, Mena Suvari and Stephen Rea
A young D'Artagnan has a rather traumatic experience as a child, grows up scarred from it and maintains a very impressive skill as a swordsman. Even without therapy. He fights upon barrel after barrel, amid and atop a collection of ladders and is lucky enough to not fall to his death thanks to a tower full of ropes. D'Artagnan rides a horse in one scene. Then in another and another and another. This time the horse drops in exhaustion.
As for director Peter Hyams, the lighting in this movie is a laugh riot. The mood of shadow and darkness may have worked for his thrillers Outland & 2010 but this was the wrong movie to have this moody effect. We're supposed to be able to see who D'Artagnan kills!
This has been my Multiple Movie Review. Have a super-sized popcorn combo, you're gonna need it.
(Note: The novel by Alexandre Dumas has been the inspiration for these films, for the most part)
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Movie Review - U.H.F.
Today is "UHF"
Starring 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Michael Richards, Victoria Jackson, Fran Drescher and David Bowe
George Newman (Yankovic) and his best friend Bob (Bowe) run through a series of low-wage jobs before coming by a position to be TV station managers at a UHF Station called U62. A small assortment of strange beings are also employed at the station and quietly go about their dreary routines until George and Bob give them higher ranking positions that end-up irritating the bigwigs downtown. A news-reporter can't seem to cut a break from Channel 8's well-groomed daddy's boy, and a cool, calm and collected scientist named Philo seems to totally wipe out the "moral fiber of the community" whilst snacking on popcorn. Airing re-runs and local advertisements of sleazy car salesmen, the team of the inventive television managers put all their friends in the spotlight as fish-wheeling Judo game show hosts, barbarian librarians, a meaner-than-hell Ghandi, a no-holds barred talk show involving serious bodily injuries and a friendly janitor who reminds of Kramer, as a very popular kids' show host.
The mafia-type thugs kidnap the show's hero and by the time they notice how completely unhinged their competition really is, they plan to rub him out. But as luck would have it, George has Vietnam flashbacks, bursts in as Rambo claiming to be their worst nightmare, the supplies closet is full of Judo-kicking students trained to black belt status as they come out ready to fight with a war cry of 'SUPPLIES', and of course Philo foils R.J. Fletcher, the ridiculously mean and vicious station owner of Channel 8.
This has been my Movie Review. Well it appears my work here is done. Keep in touch!
Starring 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Michael Richards, Victoria Jackson, Fran Drescher and David Bowe
George Newman (Yankovic) and his best friend Bob (Bowe) run through a series of low-wage jobs before coming by a position to be TV station managers at a UHF Station called U62. A small assortment of strange beings are also employed at the station and quietly go about their dreary routines until George and Bob give them higher ranking positions that end-up irritating the bigwigs downtown. A news-reporter can't seem to cut a break from Channel 8's well-groomed daddy's boy, and a cool, calm and collected scientist named Philo seems to totally wipe out the "moral fiber of the community" whilst snacking on popcorn. Airing re-runs and local advertisements of sleazy car salesmen, the team of the inventive television managers put all their friends in the spotlight as fish-wheeling Judo game show hosts, barbarian librarians, a meaner-than-hell Ghandi, a no-holds barred talk show involving serious bodily injuries and a friendly janitor who reminds of Kramer, as a very popular kids' show host.
The mafia-type thugs kidnap the show's hero and by the time they notice how completely unhinged their competition really is, they plan to rub him out. But as luck would have it, George has Vietnam flashbacks, bursts in as Rambo claiming to be their worst nightmare, the supplies closet is full of Judo-kicking students trained to black belt status as they come out ready to fight with a war cry of 'SUPPLIES', and of course Philo foils R.J. Fletcher, the ridiculously mean and vicious station owner of Channel 8.
This has been my Movie Review. Well it appears my work here is done. Keep in touch!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Movie Review - The 'Burbs
Today is "The 'Burbs"
Starring Tom Hanks, Carrie Fisher, Henry Gibson and Bruce Dern and Directed by Joe Dante
This film has the dubious title of a pleasant experience involving the quiet lifestyles of a well-to-do neighborhood. The haunted house in the midst is only an oddity by reason of insanity (the Klopeks, to be exact). Seemingly there are no ill doings afoot...but be aware that in this flick there will be a dog digging up a human bone from under the fence. This causes suspicion that someone may be buried in the backyard of the Klopeks (which is weird since the haunted house already has a basement, with a furnace) and there's another dog who uses yet another neighbor's yard for a toilet. This particular neighbor happens to be a crazed Vietnam vet and proceeds to chase the little doggie, cursing the little doggie down the street threatening to "staple its ass shut". Said doggie then causes a small riot when her owner shows up missing which in turn causes the crazed Vietnam vet to eventually fall off his roof. Karma? You decide.
Meanwhile, after a series of nightmares, rain storms and killer bees, the women of the neighborhood try to make everything civil by baking some brownies and making Ray (Hanks) eat sardines and pretzels. A sad attempt to blend in and appear less suspicious of the Klopeks.
This has been my Movie Review. Always have brownies to spare and never keep horses in the basement.
(Note: this movie includes Robert Picardo from Star Trek: Voyager fame, playing one of the garbage men. The last movie review with its Vietnam vet and garbage men connection has no connection to this movie review...I think)
Starring Tom Hanks, Carrie Fisher, Henry Gibson and Bruce Dern and Directed by Joe Dante
This film has the dubious title of a pleasant experience involving the quiet lifestyles of a well-to-do neighborhood. The haunted house in the midst is only an oddity by reason of insanity (the Klopeks, to be exact). Seemingly there are no ill doings afoot...but be aware that in this flick there will be a dog digging up a human bone from under the fence. This causes suspicion that someone may be buried in the backyard of the Klopeks (which is weird since the haunted house already has a basement, with a furnace) and there's another dog who uses yet another neighbor's yard for a toilet. This particular neighbor happens to be a crazed Vietnam vet and proceeds to chase the little doggie, cursing the little doggie down the street threatening to "staple its ass shut". Said doggie then causes a small riot when her owner shows up missing which in turn causes the crazed Vietnam vet to eventually fall off his roof. Karma? You decide.
Meanwhile, after a series of nightmares, rain storms and killer bees, the women of the neighborhood try to make everything civil by baking some brownies and making Ray (Hanks) eat sardines and pretzels. A sad attempt to blend in and appear less suspicious of the Klopeks.
This has been my Movie Review. Always have brownies to spare and never keep horses in the basement.
(Note: this movie includes Robert Picardo from Star Trek: Voyager fame, playing one of the garbage men. The last movie review with its Vietnam vet and garbage men connection has no connection to this movie review...I think)
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Movie Review - The Company of Wolves
Today is "The Company Of Wolves"
Starring Angela Lansbury, David Warner and Sarah Patterson as 'Rosaleen'
This movie starts out with the woods, there's a well that looks all sinister and deep. The villagers keep it in the center of their obscure, quaint little village because they have an everyday need for water, and nevermind that creatures from the Underworld sometimes creep up from it. Then, there's a girl running through the woods, gets lost in the woods, proceeds to keep running through the woods.
After the girl is given a nice funeral, the villagers go on with life. Rosaleen goes through some woods, but has a handy disbelief in werewolves to not get lost in the woods. Then there's some chilling storytelling about the woods, also some wolves, but mostly the subject is about the woods. While, of course, thicker woods surround the woods.
A brief scene involving a Rolls Royce, the Devil and some magic potion comes up to relate a tale of foreboding and caution when talking to strangers on one's way through the woods. Yes, this scene takes place in the woods.
This has been my Movie Review. Don't put buckets of milk near high traffic areas.
Starring Angela Lansbury, David Warner and Sarah Patterson as 'Rosaleen'
This movie starts out with the woods, there's a well that looks all sinister and deep. The villagers keep it in the center of their obscure, quaint little village because they have an everyday need for water, and nevermind that creatures from the Underworld sometimes creep up from it. Then, there's a girl running through the woods, gets lost in the woods, proceeds to keep running through the woods.
After the girl is given a nice funeral, the villagers go on with life. Rosaleen goes through some woods, but has a handy disbelief in werewolves to not get lost in the woods. Then there's some chilling storytelling about the woods, also some wolves, but mostly the subject is about the woods. While, of course, thicker woods surround the woods.
A brief scene involving a Rolls Royce, the Devil and some magic potion comes up to relate a tale of foreboding and caution when talking to strangers on one's way through the woods. Yes, this scene takes place in the woods.
This has been my Movie Review. Don't put buckets of milk near high traffic areas.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Movie Review - The Shining
Today is "The Shining"
Starring Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall
When Jack Torrance (Nicholson) brings his small family to the Overlook Hotel for a winter-shift job as a caretaker and there's no earthly reason why it cannot be turned into a ski resort in the off season, in the middle of mountains and hills that suits such winter sports and activities, you gotta wonder if the place is haunted. Wendy (Duvall) wasn't going to say anything about the story Jack was writing but it did seem odd that it was the same lines over and over again since it was a terrible waste of carbon ribbon. But it wasn't just that, their son did a lot of 'shining' which is the telepathic connection he was making with the unrested spirits at the hotel. Jack took it one step further and not only talked with the ghosts, but ordered drinks! And made them on the house!
Jack begins his descent into madness and eventually sees himself as a lumberjack and everyone else as a tree! With an ax handy and dozens of ghosts and two real people to swing at, he lets loose. His wife and son end up getting the better of him in a massive maze covered in snow. Still nobody thinks of skiing on outta there, nobody even thinks about restocking the bar which might have kept Jack busy enough being passed out, or typing up repeated lines instructing him to trim the hedges until he passes out from that instead. Either way passed out. Key survival methods here.
This has been my Movie Review! Timber!
Starring Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall
When Jack Torrance (Nicholson) brings his small family to the Overlook Hotel for a winter-shift job as a caretaker and there's no earthly reason why it cannot be turned into a ski resort in the off season, in the middle of mountains and hills that suits such winter sports and activities, you gotta wonder if the place is haunted. Wendy (Duvall) wasn't going to say anything about the story Jack was writing but it did seem odd that it was the same lines over and over again since it was a terrible waste of carbon ribbon. But it wasn't just that, their son did a lot of 'shining' which is the telepathic connection he was making with the unrested spirits at the hotel. Jack took it one step further and not only talked with the ghosts, but ordered drinks! And made them on the house!
Jack begins his descent into madness and eventually sees himself as a lumberjack and everyone else as a tree! With an ax handy and dozens of ghosts and two real people to swing at, he lets loose. His wife and son end up getting the better of him in a massive maze covered in snow. Still nobody thinks of skiing on outta there, nobody even thinks about restocking the bar which might have kept Jack busy enough being passed out, or typing up repeated lines instructing him to trim the hedges until he passes out from that instead. Either way passed out. Key survival methods here.
This has been my Movie Review! Timber!
Friday, March 15, 2013
Movie Review - The Thing
Today is "The Thing"
Starring Kurt Russell and Wilford Brimley
John Carpenter has gone out of his way to create one of the most thrilling and paranoia-driven films of this kind. All the way to an Antarctic region. Eh that's the point of it, I guess. When a couple of crazy Norwegians chase an alien dog or, I should say, an alien posing, acting and shape-shifting as a dog, the tiny crew at an Antarctic Base get involved. This alien lifeform has the uncanny ability to shape-shift and appear as anyone or any thing. With a tagline of 'Man is the Warmest Place to Hide' you know you've stepped into the same realms as the ever popular Alien series starring Sigourney Weaver. Kurt Russell gives the performance of a lifetime as he gave to John Carpenter's other films like; Big Trouble in Little China, Escape From New York and Escape From L.A. and even chillier than his role in a Gilligan's Island episode, coming a long way from a warm, tropical setting. Mind blown.
One by one, the alien moves through the crew as MacReady (Russell) leads the surviving team members through to some escape or resolution from this killing entity. No one trusts the other. This makes for a great weekend into the frozen wastelands of the planet! The helicopter crashes, the dog escapes, Dr. Blair is being rather vague, but it may be due to frostbite and MacReady is just having a rough time.
This has been my Movie Review! Have a cool day.
Starring Kurt Russell and Wilford Brimley
John Carpenter has gone out of his way to create one of the most thrilling and paranoia-driven films of this kind. All the way to an Antarctic region. Eh that's the point of it, I guess. When a couple of crazy Norwegians chase an alien dog or, I should say, an alien posing, acting and shape-shifting as a dog, the tiny crew at an Antarctic Base get involved. This alien lifeform has the uncanny ability to shape-shift and appear as anyone or any thing. With a tagline of 'Man is the Warmest Place to Hide' you know you've stepped into the same realms as the ever popular Alien series starring Sigourney Weaver. Kurt Russell gives the performance of a lifetime as he gave to John Carpenter's other films like; Big Trouble in Little China, Escape From New York and Escape From L.A. and even chillier than his role in a Gilligan's Island episode, coming a long way from a warm, tropical setting. Mind blown.
One by one, the alien moves through the crew as MacReady (Russell) leads the surviving team members through to some escape or resolution from this killing entity. No one trusts the other. This makes for a great weekend into the frozen wastelands of the planet! The helicopter crashes, the dog escapes, Dr. Blair is being rather vague, but it may be due to frostbite and MacReady is just having a rough time.
This has been my Movie Review! Have a cool day.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Movie Review - The Three Amigos
Today is "The Three Amigos"
Starring Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and Martin Short
One for each other and all for one, the three brave amigos carry on with their glitzy high rolling, show business career. Despite the fact that they're out of work, hated by their managers, made fun of by German warlords, exposed to ungrateful poor folks, mocked by gun-wielding cowboys and given a light watered down version of beer at a Mexican cantina, they are full of entertainment value! Nevermind that one particular Mexican gang leader wants them dead and a mislead villager has them riding and proclaiming their Amigo lines, and singing in a stuffy room full of unfortunate souls who were visited by an ugly stick. They become their own characters with great honor. Aside from the fact that none of them know where they are, none of them know how to summon invisible swordsmen, or talk to singing bushes and only one of them remembers to bring the lip-balm.
The German warlords meet up with the Mexican gang and they plan to plunder (for the millionth time) the small village of Santa Poco. With the Three Amigos on the villagers side, the bad guys lose due to excessive stupidity, complete bad taste and emotional problems stemming from childhood movie viewings that lead some to believe the nature of the wild West as shown to them through Hollywood. The bad guys also lose because none of them knew how to sew like the wind.
This has been my Movie Review. Salute!
Starring Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and Martin Short
One for each other and all for one, the three brave amigos carry on with their glitzy high rolling, show business career. Despite the fact that they're out of work, hated by their managers, made fun of by German warlords, exposed to ungrateful poor folks, mocked by gun-wielding cowboys and given a light watered down version of beer at a Mexican cantina, they are full of entertainment value! Nevermind that one particular Mexican gang leader wants them dead and a mislead villager has them riding and proclaiming their Amigo lines, and singing in a stuffy room full of unfortunate souls who were visited by an ugly stick. They become their own characters with great honor. Aside from the fact that none of them know where they are, none of them know how to summon invisible swordsmen, or talk to singing bushes and only one of them remembers to bring the lip-balm.
The German warlords meet up with the Mexican gang and they plan to plunder (for the millionth time) the small village of Santa Poco. With the Three Amigos on the villagers side, the bad guys lose due to excessive stupidity, complete bad taste and emotional problems stemming from childhood movie viewings that lead some to believe the nature of the wild West as shown to them through Hollywood. The bad guys also lose because none of them knew how to sew like the wind.
This has been my Movie Review. Salute!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Movie Review - Throw Momma From The Train
Today is "Throw Momma From The Train"
Starring Danny DeVito, Billy Crystal and Anne Ramsey as 'Momma'
The night was sultry. It was also humid, moist, wet, shiny, dreary, dry, bright, moonless and absurd! We are treated to the struggle that a writer goes through in order to put something worthwhile on paper. Yet, when something comes from the trauma of being taken as a hostage-for-hire and being kicked off a train, literally, it's usually good reading. In this case, our writing characters are harboring real bouts of depression from former lovers who steal books and talk trash on Oprah and current relatives who can hang up their own goddamn shawl but not clean out their own ears, betrayal, suffering, daily routines of washing the laundry in a rain storm, losing the brakes on the car so that it speeds down an overgrown hillside and through a tunnel that's undergoing construction phases. They're also fighting back every desire to kill their enemies, take back what's rightfully theirs, not get arrested for murder or hiring out contracts for murder and the all-time overwhelming desire to not put momma in a rest-home!
Larry Donner (Crystal) tries to help his student writer, while Owen Lift (DeVito) his student misinterprets Larry's pep-talk as a plan to murder each other's relations that are causing them vexation and sleepless nights.
Momma (Ramsey) steals the show as the wise-cracking momma who says 'Owen has no friends because he's fat and he's stupid!' It reminds me of my own tortured childhood. Even sliding down the the basement stairs on a badly installed door.
This has been my Movie Review. A writer writes, always.
Starring Danny DeVito, Billy Crystal and Anne Ramsey as 'Momma'
The night was sultry. It was also humid, moist, wet, shiny, dreary, dry, bright, moonless and absurd! We are treated to the struggle that a writer goes through in order to put something worthwhile on paper. Yet, when something comes from the trauma of being taken as a hostage-for-hire and being kicked off a train, literally, it's usually good reading. In this case, our writing characters are harboring real bouts of depression from former lovers who steal books and talk trash on Oprah and current relatives who can hang up their own goddamn shawl but not clean out their own ears, betrayal, suffering, daily routines of washing the laundry in a rain storm, losing the brakes on the car so that it speeds down an overgrown hillside and through a tunnel that's undergoing construction phases. They're also fighting back every desire to kill their enemies, take back what's rightfully theirs, not get arrested for murder or hiring out contracts for murder and the all-time overwhelming desire to not put momma in a rest-home!
Larry Donner (Crystal) tries to help his student writer, while Owen Lift (DeVito) his student misinterprets Larry's pep-talk as a plan to murder each other's relations that are causing them vexation and sleepless nights.
Momma (Ramsey) steals the show as the wise-cracking momma who says 'Owen has no friends because he's fat and he's stupid!' It reminds me of my own tortured childhood. Even sliding down the the basement stairs on a badly installed door.
This has been my Movie Review. A writer writes, always.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Movie Review - Tombstone
Today is "Tombstone"
Starring Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Sam Elliot and some other dudes.
Tombstone, Arizona is rather legendary for reason of the historical showdown at the O.K. Corral which was between two feuding gangs known as the Cowboys and the Earps. Now I know there's a joke in there somewhere, but I'll leave it to your imagination to think up the potential in it.
Meanwhile, everything is settled in Dodge City. Wyatt Earp (Russell) and his friend Holliday (Kilmer) decide to settle in Tombstone and make a quiet living. Meanwhile the Cowboys make that a little bit harder than it needed to be. The Earps are not liking it. The Cowboys are hating it. They fight. Then everyone seems to flat out loathe it. Meanwhile there are guns being loaded, tempers flaring and tumbleweeds running for cover! The sun sets. The sun comes back up. It just never stops.
This has been my Movie Review. Salute!
Starring Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Sam Elliot and some other dudes.
Tombstone, Arizona is rather legendary for reason of the historical showdown at the O.K. Corral which was between two feuding gangs known as the Cowboys and the Earps. Now I know there's a joke in there somewhere, but I'll leave it to your imagination to think up the potential in it.
Meanwhile, everything is settled in Dodge City. Wyatt Earp (Russell) and his friend Holliday (Kilmer) decide to settle in Tombstone and make a quiet living. Meanwhile the Cowboys make that a little bit harder than it needed to be. The Earps are not liking it. The Cowboys are hating it. They fight. Then everyone seems to flat out loathe it. Meanwhile there are guns being loaded, tempers flaring and tumbleweeds running for cover! The sun sets. The sun comes back up. It just never stops.
This has been my Movie Review. Salute!
Monday, March 11, 2013
Movie Review - Tremors
Today is "Tremors"
Starring Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Finn Carter, Michael Gross and Reba McEntire
Out in the middle of nowhere, on a crowded road, there sits a little town with people living there. Driving around, walking around, pogo-sticking around and generally just making a lot of racket. Because of the underground man-eating, cow-eating, sheep-eating, horse-eating, station-wagon-eating, telephone-pole eating monsters, the townspeople soon learn to keep it quiet or at least to keep it down a notch.
Valentine (Bacon) and Earl (Ward) with the help of Rhonda (Carter) discover a kind of thing or I should say four huge things, that they're dealing with. Burt and Heather (Gross & McEntire) are
quick and ready with Uzis, sub-machine guns and some homemade explosives! Many are mere appetizers and the shootout proves fruitless…a lotta noise, you see? The whole town is spooked and on edge. So much on edge that the sides of the buildings become actual edges in which they are on! Using their resources, nerve and sheer dumb luck, they escape (those who are still alive) with their lives and a good old sturdy 40 ton metal menace with extremely flat tires.
This has been my Movie Review! Consider it stepped on.
Starring Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Finn Carter, Michael Gross and Reba McEntire
Out in the middle of nowhere, on a crowded road, there sits a little town with people living there. Driving around, walking around, pogo-sticking around and generally just making a lot of racket. Because of the underground man-eating, cow-eating, sheep-eating, horse-eating, station-wagon-eating, telephone-pole eating monsters, the townspeople soon learn to keep it quiet or at least to keep it down a notch.
Valentine (Bacon) and Earl (Ward) with the help of Rhonda (Carter) discover a kind of thing or I should say four huge things, that they're dealing with. Burt and Heather (Gross & McEntire) are
quick and ready with Uzis, sub-machine guns and some homemade explosives! Many are mere appetizers and the shootout proves fruitless…a lotta noise, you see? The whole town is spooked and on edge. So much on edge that the sides of the buildings become actual edges in which they are on! Using their resources, nerve and sheer dumb luck, they escape (those who are still alive) with their lives and a good old sturdy 40 ton metal menace with extremely flat tires.
This has been my Movie Review! Consider it stepped on.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Movie Review - Saturn 3
Today is "Saturn 3"
Starring Farrah Fawcett, Kirk Douglas and Harvey Keitel
After Benson (Keitel) robs an unsuspecting pilot of a cylinder filled with brain tissue, and not explaining why the guy had this stuff in the first place, Benson heads for one of Saturn's moons known as Saturn 3. On Saturn 3 two botanists are developing food and plant-life for a starving planet Earth. Benson proceeds to construct his brain-tissued robot and teaches it all kinds of things. Manual movements, walking, staring, playing chess and murder.
Alex (Fawcett) is the desire of Benson, and his robot creation Hector. Adam (Douglas) is fighting a losing battle with lesser robots, blue dreamers and an incomplete chessboard thanks to Hector's temper. This Hector robot then realizes he can get rid of the humans by impersonating them, tricking them, overpowering them or just plain killing them. The moon goes into eclipse with Saturn and the saying is 'in space no one can hear you scream.' Apparently, on any of Saturn's moons no one can hear you either, because they're listening to a programmed feedback of a killer robot. One realizes that this is probably worse than just running around screaming in space.
This has been my Movie Review! Over and out and checkmate!
Starring Farrah Fawcett, Kirk Douglas and Harvey Keitel
After Benson (Keitel) robs an unsuspecting pilot of a cylinder filled with brain tissue, and not explaining why the guy had this stuff in the first place, Benson heads for one of Saturn's moons known as Saturn 3. On Saturn 3 two botanists are developing food and plant-life for a starving planet Earth. Benson proceeds to construct his brain-tissued robot and teaches it all kinds of things. Manual movements, walking, staring, playing chess and murder.
Alex (Fawcett) is the desire of Benson, and his robot creation Hector. Adam (Douglas) is fighting a losing battle with lesser robots, blue dreamers and an incomplete chessboard thanks to Hector's temper. This Hector robot then realizes he can get rid of the humans by impersonating them, tricking them, overpowering them or just plain killing them. The moon goes into eclipse with Saturn and the saying is 'in space no one can hear you scream.' Apparently, on any of Saturn's moons no one can hear you either, because they're listening to a programmed feedback of a killer robot. One realizes that this is probably worse than just running around screaming in space.
This has been my Movie Review! Over and out and checkmate!
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Movie Review - Spaceballs
Today is "Spaceballs"
Starring Mel Brooks, Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman, the late great John Candy and Daphne Zuniga
First, the air supply of planet Spaceball has escaped them. Then the planet Druidia is sought out by Lord Dark Helmet (Moranis) and President Scroob (Brooks) as an abundant air supply to replenish their dying world.
A runaway princess and a vagabond space smuggler with a mog (half-man half-dog) for a sidekick, steps in and thwarts the evil plans of Spaceballs. The Princess Vespa escapes from a wedding, complete with a Jewish Pope. Captain Lonestar (Pullman) escapes from the massive war-vessel by jamming their radar with an especially sticky raspberry jam. They continue to escape Dark Helmet's ship by using "hyper active" and when Lonestar and Barf (Candy) slow their Winnebago down, they get overshot by Dark Helmet's ship that goes to plaid. Then they escape a grueling death, being rescued by a little midget troupe of Dink-Dinks. Then they escape a maximum security installation by parking in the wrong parking space, dressing up as Spaceballs and confusing the prison-guards to capture their stunt doubles instead.
Then one final escape is done at a moon quick-stop restaurant when an unknown alien lifeform pokes its slimy head out of a diner who is played by John Hurt...as himself from a previous script.
This has been my Movie Review. May the Shwartz be with you!
Starring Mel Brooks, Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman, the late great John Candy and Daphne Zuniga
First, the air supply of planet Spaceball has escaped them. Then the planet Druidia is sought out by Lord Dark Helmet (Moranis) and President Scroob (Brooks) as an abundant air supply to replenish their dying world.
A runaway princess and a vagabond space smuggler with a mog (half-man half-dog) for a sidekick, steps in and thwarts the evil plans of Spaceballs. The Princess Vespa escapes from a wedding, complete with a Jewish Pope. Captain Lonestar (Pullman) escapes from the massive war-vessel by jamming their radar with an especially sticky raspberry jam. They continue to escape Dark Helmet's ship by using "hyper active" and when Lonestar and Barf (Candy) slow their Winnebago down, they get overshot by Dark Helmet's ship that goes to plaid. Then they escape a grueling death, being rescued by a little midget troupe of Dink-Dinks. Then they escape a maximum security installation by parking in the wrong parking space, dressing up as Spaceballs and confusing the prison-guards to capture their stunt doubles instead.
Then one final escape is done at a moon quick-stop restaurant when an unknown alien lifeform pokes its slimy head out of a diner who is played by John Hurt...as himself from a previous script.
This has been my Movie Review. May the Shwartz be with you!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Movie Review - Stargate
Today is "Stargate"
Starring Kurt Russell, James Spader and French Stewart
Something that will take anyone a million light years from home to a place that reminds them of home, is a bit redundant to start with, but to really get the full advantage of the Stargate device, you gotta try out its galactic room service that can transport anything you want right up to its doorstep. Col. Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neil (Russell) gets himself assigned to a suicide mission by the military when a team uncovers an interstellar teleportation device in Egypt. The fun doesn't begin immediately because ancient language experts haven't been able to decode the Stargate. Dr. Daniel Jackson (Spader) is then summoned. Figures it out by being a little klutzy, gets the Stargate to working in proper order and goes with the military ground unit to explore and then proceeds to ruffle the feathers of Lt. Ferretti (Stewart) when he informs the team that they may not be able to go back home until another set of Stargate codes can be located on the now strange planet they've been blasted onto.
Noticing the usual alien life around them, like drooling beasts, dismal ancient city-scapes and a diabolical Ra god who flashes his eyes so that any non-worshippers may be turned into pillars of quickly dissolving matter, they embark on finding a way back through the Stargate. A local girl, Sha'uri, aids Daniel in finding the codes they need. Jack, meanwhile has other plans for that god Ra and the military cart delivered via galactic room service style that carted over a nuclear bomb.
This has been my Movie Review! What a seventh wonder, what a discovery, what a rush!
Starring Kurt Russell, James Spader and French Stewart
Something that will take anyone a million light years from home to a place that reminds them of home, is a bit redundant to start with, but to really get the full advantage of the Stargate device, you gotta try out its galactic room service that can transport anything you want right up to its doorstep. Col. Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neil (Russell) gets himself assigned to a suicide mission by the military when a team uncovers an interstellar teleportation device in Egypt. The fun doesn't begin immediately because ancient language experts haven't been able to decode the Stargate. Dr. Daniel Jackson (Spader) is then summoned. Figures it out by being a little klutzy, gets the Stargate to working in proper order and goes with the military ground unit to explore and then proceeds to ruffle the feathers of Lt. Ferretti (Stewart) when he informs the team that they may not be able to go back home until another set of Stargate codes can be located on the now strange planet they've been blasted onto.
Noticing the usual alien life around them, like drooling beasts, dismal ancient city-scapes and a diabolical Ra god who flashes his eyes so that any non-worshippers may be turned into pillars of quickly dissolving matter, they embark on finding a way back through the Stargate. A local girl, Sha'uri, aids Daniel in finding the codes they need. Jack, meanwhile has other plans for that god Ra and the military cart delivered via galactic room service style that carted over a nuclear bomb.
This has been my Movie Review! What a seventh wonder, what a discovery, what a rush!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Movie Reviews - Shanghai Noon & Shanghai Knights
Movie & Sequel Reviews! Today is "Shanghai Noon" and "Shanghai Knights"
"Shanghai Noon" stars Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson & Lucy Liu
The Western landscapes played havoc on lesser creatures prone to being clumsy, buried in the ground up to their necks and chased by angry native Americans and having no sense of direction. While the Far East mystic and memory kept Chon Wang (Chan) company on long desolate nights while roaming his newfound home in America. A train wreck (of sorts) gets everybody out of sorts and there are trains being targeted for robbery, pillaging and rides in general. Princess Pei Pei (Liu) is not too happy with the state of affairs and quietly endures whilst Chon (Chan) and Roy (Wilson) tumble off the express and eventually become partners after a series of surprisingly clean stunts and belly-laughs. They are part of the tribe and they are part of the floor, the ground, and other places that gravity seems to be out to get them. These stylish and oddball cowboys give the bad guys a run for their money...and money there is! Lots of it! On your way to Nevada, it's easier by train than by a pencil.
"Shanghai Knights" stars Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson & Fann Wong
The English landscapes played havoc on everybody with rolling hillsides, unexpected twists and turns, uncomfortably high clock towers and some really bad menu items. However, the Chinese rebel who murdered Chon's father must be figured into the vat of Boar's guts somehow. Chon and Roy wind up in jolly old England and Roy takes advantage of some interesting traditions there. Chon has revenge in mind to exact, and Lin (Wong), Chon's sister has the same idea. During fireworks and gunshots, the royal family was almost put out of business and out of order - permanently. The heroes wind up saving the day while being choked up by 1880s characters all over the place. Sherlock Holmes, Arthur Doyle, Charlie Chaplin, Jack the Ripper and a highly drunken pillow fight.
This has been my Movie & Sequel Review! Nobody believed poor Chon Lin until a few pointy things were embedded into the unbelieving.
"Shanghai Noon" stars Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson & Lucy Liu
The Western landscapes played havoc on lesser creatures prone to being clumsy, buried in the ground up to their necks and chased by angry native Americans and having no sense of direction. While the Far East mystic and memory kept Chon Wang (Chan) company on long desolate nights while roaming his newfound home in America. A train wreck (of sorts) gets everybody out of sorts and there are trains being targeted for robbery, pillaging and rides in general. Princess Pei Pei (Liu) is not too happy with the state of affairs and quietly endures whilst Chon (Chan) and Roy (Wilson) tumble off the express and eventually become partners after a series of surprisingly clean stunts and belly-laughs. They are part of the tribe and they are part of the floor, the ground, and other places that gravity seems to be out to get them. These stylish and oddball cowboys give the bad guys a run for their money...and money there is! Lots of it! On your way to Nevada, it's easier by train than by a pencil.
"Shanghai Knights" stars Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson & Fann Wong
The English landscapes played havoc on everybody with rolling hillsides, unexpected twists and turns, uncomfortably high clock towers and some really bad menu items. However, the Chinese rebel who murdered Chon's father must be figured into the vat of Boar's guts somehow. Chon and Roy wind up in jolly old England and Roy takes advantage of some interesting traditions there. Chon has revenge in mind to exact, and Lin (Wong), Chon's sister has the same idea. During fireworks and gunshots, the royal family was almost put out of business and out of order - permanently. The heroes wind up saving the day while being choked up by 1880s characters all over the place. Sherlock Holmes, Arthur Doyle, Charlie Chaplin, Jack the Ripper and a highly drunken pillow fight.
This has been my Movie & Sequel Review! Nobody believed poor Chon Lin until a few pointy things were embedded into the unbelieving.
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